October 25th… two months to Christmas. This was always something I said on my Mom’s birthday; it’s funny that my sister said this today as we stood over my Mom’s grave at the cemetery. Did I WANT to go see my Mom at the cemetery for her birthday? No, hell no. Do I have a choice?
The cemetery is a peaceful place honestly, other than the occasional plane leaving Midway Airport flying overhead. Sometimes there are other people around, like the other day when my Dad was there. They had 2 funerals on either side of my mom on the same day… crazy; he goes 2x per week like clockwork. I’ve settled into the once a month visit. Other than the occasional person, you may see some of the workers, or maybe even some deer; I like when I see the deer running through the cemetery. It makes the place feel alive. Mostly though, I will just stand, kneel, or sit there, with my eyes closed, feeling the wind blow against my face… feeling the heat of the sun beat down… still letting it all sink in.
Now, if I let my faith do the work, I should be better. If I knew that my Mom was kicking it up there… with all the other people I visit in the cemetery now that I’m there once a month, I’d be good. The vision that I like to think about is my mom sitting with her parents, her sister and her husband, and her baby sister celebrating this day; maybe a nice big chocolate cake; my mom loved chocolate. Sitting down at a table in a place that looks like the house they grew up in; the house where my dad still resides. My mom and her peeps having a good old time, looking down at us, telling us to stop crying and carrying on. I guess my faith isn’t that strong… I guess I’d still miss her anyways. Yeah, as far as the milestones of year 1 AM (after Mom) goes, this is a big one. The first ever October 25th in my life, where I couldn’t kiss & hug my mom on her birthday; that sucks.
So we stand here… my dad, brother, sister, and I… looking down on her headstone; this is how we will “celebrate” her day going forward. There has to be a better way… We will gather as a family this weekend, to have a birthday dinner celebration for the missing guest of honor. There is strength to be found in numbers; just being together is support enough during this difficult time. We press on.
I wish I wouldn’t feel like this any more. It has gotten better, a little, over the past 6 months; I’m sure time will continue to heal… some of it. This day will set off a countdown to Christmas, just like my 2 month comment always pointed out. With the holidays approaching, this will continue to be a challenging time; we will have a big gap to fill come Christmas, that’s for damn sure. But we will… we will. Enjoy that chocolate cake Mom.
bullwinkle
BRUTAL!!! That’s what I call it. There is no one word, or anything to say about the situation that my family is faced with. I never did like going to the cemetery when we’d go to see our parents of other family members, but now,,,,,,I just hate it, but it’s the only way I can ‘see’ Mom. Are things getting better? Perhaps. But it doesn’t feel like it. Never knew there were soooo many layers to the word ‘better’. Is it better when you only cry 3 times a day?, or 4 or whatever people think that the magic word should be. I’m pretty sure I will never get to that point. Life goes on because it has to. Family has to bond together and carry on. That’s the only thing that keeps us going…… Family is what it’s all about and Mom was always happiest when we were all together. Like her ‘birthday celebration’, it was all about knowing that Mom would want us to be together. That’s the way we truly can ‘celebrate’ her.
JEFFK
only the tip of the iceberg…