On the road to recovery, there will be milestones; I guess one week since the event would qualify… that’s well in the rearview. The first grandkid’s birthday without my Mom… check. On Monday, it was exactly one month since my Mom’s passing; it’s going to be an entire year of these. It is what it is though, right? How long will this road be?
Short answer is: who knows. I know I’m not right; was I ever? But yeah, we’re doing it; what other choice do we have? Have to keep it moving, even if my bandwidth is pretty low… even if I’m always tired… depressed? I don’t know. What’s that? Sad, sure; to be expected no? Certainly understandable; I would think most people would get that. Yet, if you haven’t lost a parent… I kind of feel that way now. Looking back, at all the people I know who have lost a parent, who have lost both parents. Sure, I said sorry, passed my condolences, paid my respects, but did I really know? No. No, I didn’t. Now I do. It’s just like a lot of things in life… until it happens to you. Well, hello there. I’ve joined the ranks of all those who have lost a parent… things could be better, but they could certainly be worse.
I think about all the things my Mom can see now; she can see everything, right? Depending on your views of the afterlife… I’d like to think that my Mom is good; she’s chilling. No more earthly worries for her; no more ailments to deal with. She’s golden. It’s us here that are dealing… But yeah, is she able to see it all now? I think about all the good and bad things that she knew about me; I think about all the good and bad things she didn’t know. Now, she knows it all, right? Well, that’s certainly something to think about; I’m good with it though. I think she’d still be very proud of the person I am. Certainly not perfect by any means, but… overall, all good.
We celebrated this anniversary by going to the cemetery for the first time since the saddest day of my life. Yeah, it was the first time for me, my brother, and my sister; my dad had been already a couple times. It was… not fun. It was a beautiful day though. My Mom, looking down on us, wishing we’d cut it out… she’s good; I’m sure of that. How do we get to be good? I mean, I’m good, but… GOOD? We’ll get there.
All concepts of time are screwed for me right now; my days, weeks, mixing up… kind of been more forgetful than normal. It’s kind of like during COVID; I couldn’t remember shit before it…. and during it was a blur. Things are kind of a blur right now; it’ll clear up… after Mother’s Day, maybe it will be better. Talk about the first milestone… the first Mother’s Day without my Mom… the person who carried me into this world. Yeah, I’ve been better. Will certainly celebrate all the mothers that are in my life, but you only have one Mom… and I won’t be able to give her a kiss and hug this time around, and that sucks. Now I have to think about things to take with me to the cemetery, to place at her headstone… fun stuff, let me tell you.
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