Back when I was 4 years old, my parents decided to send me to preschool; it was like right down the block from our house. My Mom dropped me off, and I was not happy; I cried. I eventually pulled it together, and tried to make the best of it; that didn’t last. I remember laying on the floor, crying and kicking the door, screaming “I want to go home.” Not sure how long this lasted, but eventually my Mom walked in and took me home; that was my first and last day of preschool. I think back to my son’s first day of preschool; thankfully, it didn’t go quite like that. My wife shed more tears than he did, as he walked right away from us, and started playing with the toys in the classroom; well, that was easy. Thankfully my son is not like me in that way… I cried the first day of school until 4th grade, no joke. I guess I didn’t want to leave my Mom…
Well, fast forward almost 43 years, and I’m kind of feeling the same way; I’m upset that my Mom has left me. Today, I made a trip to the cemetery, and you know what? I don’t want to have to go to the cemetery to see my Mom. This thought played over and over in my head, as I stood there, tears running down my face. This is bullshit. This isn’t right. This still doesn’t feel real. Yeah, it’s been a little more than 2 months, but it STILL doesn’t feel real; I’m not quite sure that it’s completely sunk in. Is this normal? I guess I don’t care what’s normal.
I’ve been very blessed my entire life. From my childhood, to my school days (after the crying), to my teenage years… from my family to my friends… to my job… from Chicago to LA back to Chicago… with my girlfriend to my fiancee to my wife… to our life, our home, our son… I’ve been very blessed; there is no doubt about it. Now, what is this about? I have never felt like this before; there is a sadness… that lingers. I have never been this way. There have been ups and downs, but I have never experienced a down like this. This is life though. Now I know what people mean when they say “life sucks….”
Life doesn’t suck, but losing a parent does. “You only have one mother…” That’s what people say; that is factual. What happens when that person is no longer around? I guess I can’t wrap my head around it… yet. She was the way I entered this life; there is no me without her. Father’s Day is next; I know it won’t be nearly as bad as Mother’s Day. It will be another day without my Mom. I don’t want to go to the cemetery to see my Mom… I don’t want to go to the cemetery to see my Mom… I don’t want to…
Leave a Reply