Christmas came and Christmas went; making it through this year was the goal, and that’s exactly what we did. It wasn’t easy…
Waking up on the 24th, I already felt it; it was going to be a tough day. I kept busy though, getting ready for the festivities of the evening and the next day. It wasn’t until I took a shower… a good, long, hot shower where I released all my emotions, trying to get them all out, hoping to make the rest of the day easier; it kind of worked. Stepping into church for the Christmas Eve mass, I felt it again; I feel closest to my mother when I’m in church. I went over to light “her candle”, but it wasn’t there. My son actually picked it, the first time we went to church after my mother passed. It was the 12th candle… 12 for 7+5… 75… the last birthday my mom celebrated. For some reason, for the first time, there was no candle in that spot… OK, no problem. I’ll pick another one. 25 it is. I lit the candle and said hello to my Mom. As I returned to the pew, I looked at the program. I saw Silent Night was on the agenda, one of my Mom’s favorite Christmas songs. I remembered midnight mass as a kid, when I would serve as an altar boy or sing in the choir during that mass. I remembered how all the lights of the church were turned off, and only the blue candles by Mary were lit, during the singing of that song on this evening. I remembered my Mom saying how much she liked it. I would have to hold it together during that song. Honestly, any Christmas song about this time gets me, especially her favorites. As the mass began, they started playing a song, one that wasn’t on the program… it just so happened to be my Mom’s favorite… Away in a Manger… trying to kill me today, huh? That was a surprise, and my insides may have been rattling around tremendously, but… we made it through. We made it through Christmas Eve mass; one down.
Driving over to the house I grew up in, my head and heart started working overtime. Walking in that door, man… decades of memories came flooding in; there is no escaping it. The evening turned out very nice though. It was a mix of old traditions, and possibly some new ones. Where we go from here, year to year, we’ll play it by ear, but for this 1st Christmas Eve without her… I think we did pretty good. My sister tried to get me with a photo album with pictures of my Mom; I looked through it quickly… didn’t want to really look at it… I may not have made it through. The one unexpected moment was another gift that was given. One of the older kids asked for something with my Mom’s writing; I didn’t know this. When she opened the gift, and it was multiple recipes with my Mom’s writing… wow… I looked through it; I was done. Hey, I knew there would be some moments…
And as we wrapped up for the evening, and said our goodbyes, I realized how full my heart still is. It was all of us there, together, that really makes this night special, even those who we can’t see… but can still very much feel. I still cried for about a mile after we left, holding my wife’s hand. It wasn’t easy, but we did it. We made it.
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