It’s been a while since I’ve talked about my Mom; doesn’t mean I don’t think about her every day. As we march towards Christmas, it gets harder. Now, we sit on The Eve, my favorite day of the year.
Why is Christmas Eve my favorite day of the year? Why do I love Christmas so much? Why do I love Christmas music? Why is Christmas my favorite time of the year? The answer to all of those questions starts with one person. It’s this person that will not be here, at least not in person, for this day, for the first time in my life.
I went to the cemetery with my Dad on Sunday. Standing there with him over my Mom’s grave, the cold wind seemed to really hit; I felt like my insides were exposed, hanging out, raw. There are no words; there is nothing that will completely take away the pain. Time will help; it has helped. Loved ones will help; they have. Family and friends will be supportive; they have been.
It’s been 262 days since my Mom passed away. Yeah, we’re still on that first year track; “celebrating” every first without her. Mother’s Day was brutal; it happened so soon afterwards… forget about it. My birthday/my parent’s anniversary was next; first time ever I wasn’t looking forward to that day. My Mom’s birthday, exactly 2 months before Christmas; tough. Milestone after milestone pass by, and now we arrive at the mother of them all.
Each Christmas Eve, when my wife, son, and I, come home for the evening, is probably one of the most emotional times of the year for me, in general. My heart… feels like it’s going to burst… all the love… thankful for everything that I have in this life that started about 48 years ago on Cullerton St. Thankful to the real reason for the season for all that He has given me, so many blessings; I’m so very lucky. How will that feel this year, when my heart swells, but there is a big piece missing? I feel like I have angels working diligently inside of me, sewing it back together, as I figure out things these past 262 days.
This has been an experience that I could have done without, but one that inevitably will come; there is no avoiding it. As we get older, I guess this experience will come in handy, dealing with all of the future heartbreaks that await us on this journey. Life is not all about good times. My life has been filled with many more good times than bad. I can’t complain. The sadness deep down inside remains…
It comes to the surface every now and then, sometimes randomly; sometimes it boils over and fills my eyes. Sometimes I want to lay back down and pull the covers over my head. This pain is foreign to me; I’m still learning to deal with it all. There are levels to this. Ready to take on one of the most difficult levels, right now.
My Mom was Christmas, year round, but man did she shine on this night. I will miss her dearly tonight. I will remind myself that although I don’t see her, that she will always be with me, directing those angels, making sure my heart is repaired as good as it can be. Love you Mom. Merry Christmas.
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