The year of firsts continued on Saturday with my sister’s birthday. When I refer to “firsts”, I mean the first time for everything, without my Mom. It continues to be a road, one that I’ve never travelled. We’re almost at a year… that’s just so crazy. Life goes on… without her.
I haven’t been dumping my guts through this vehicle lately; what more can I really say. I lost a parent. It sucks. People who have been through it, understand; some may not. That’s OK too. I think of all the levels… losing a spouse like my Dad, not only losing a parent, but a best friend, like my sister. How about losing a sibling, like one of the ladies I work with, or how about a child? I know a handful of people who are on that road… It all sucks. What can we do? Keep moving; I’ve been moving.
It’s not the same; it never will be. One of the things I assumed at the very start of the road; one of the things that has been validated along it. Another one is that you have to figure it out, mostly on your own. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had plenty of support throughout this most recent journey… I appreciate all of it, more than those who have been there realize. I’ve tried to be that supporter too; I only hope I have been as good at that as mine have been. Yet, we cannot live with each other… there’s only room for one person in that head of ours. Only YOU can truly, truly figure it out… in those alone moments, where emotion can/does flow more freely. Sometimes the emotion comes out for more to see; it will happen. It’s always there, yet it’s random too…
Mostly I just keep busy; I have enough going on to keep me that way. Slowing down, taking it easy, which had been an earlier requirement on this path, feels like it’s no longer an option, although sometimes I still hit that “brick wall”… sometimes, sooner than I normally would have, sometimes harder. Talking to another one of my friends whose mother is not doing well, he shared some perspective… who will remember us 100 years after we pass? Good point. 100 years after my Mom dies, I will be dead too; my son will be too… well, I guess 112 is attainable. I think of the whole Gladiator line “what we do in life, echoes in eternity”… we’ll see. I’m still just trying to get through the first year…
And away we go… April 6th isn’t that far in the future; maybe that’s the next time I talk about this. How will it feel one year later? Will day 366 all of a sudden be better? I joke with my sister about this. I don’t have all the answers… I tell my son all the time… just try your best. If you’re trying your best, then what more can I ask of you? Sometimes, we just all need to take our own advice…
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