Many times my head is empty and/or there are those chimps banging the cymbals hanging out. I typically don’t walk around with a ton of stuff on my brain; guys got it like that I think… at least this guy does, or should I say, had it like that. The alternative sucks; I don’t know how people do it. Grinding those gears all the time, thinking about this and that and this and that; maybe I was the oddball. Don’t worry be happy… yeah, I like that motto. Although I would always say I didn’t stress about anything, that may have been a little bit of a stretch… there’s always something, but typically, it was minimal; it was fun while it lasted. I strive to get back to that point of nothingness, but on the first Mother’s Day without my Mom, my head was working overtime.
It had been a week, starting with the 1 month milestone and 1st visit to the cemetery. Of course, the grand finale would be on Mother’s Day, the first time I would be unable to see my Mom, to buy her flowers, to give her a kiss, to give her a hug, to try, at least for a day, to express how much I appreciated her. You only have one mother; there is nobody like her. So I wake up about 530am, and it starts… the memories, flowing, overflowing… like trying to get a drink of water from a fire hose… it was too much; it was all a bit overwhelming. I knew it would be. I had psyched myself up all week for this day, trying to take bits and pieces as we went along; it was a nice concept but it didn’t make this day any better. It was a rough day… a very rough day.
As I stood by my Mom’s headstone at around 8am, I talked to her, blabbering on and on about stuff between the tears. I think it’s the suddenness of it all; I think it’s the fact that it’s so fresh still, about 5 weeks ago now. What can you really say? I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry for every time I upset you. I hope you’re proud of me. Round and round we went for about 30 minutes, until finally, I walked away…
I’m really lucky to have so many memories of my Mom; everyone can’t say that. I’m so happy I can. I’m happy to have had a good relationship with her; we didn’t talk every day, but every couple days… I saw her almost every week. Looking back, I still feel that wasn’t enough; she was supposed to always be there. I took that for granted. Tomorrow isn’t promised today; that statement never rings more true. There is an emptiness inside of me, a piece of my heart that is missing, a hole… a good sized one.
This type of stuff happens every day in our world. You wonder why people walk around like they’re a zombie. I mean, some maybe are, with weed legal now, more and more of them, but… yeah, like… kind of lost. It’s a part of life; death and taxes they say, you know? I’ve been lucky to dodge this bullet for 47+ years, but now, I have to take it head on; now, it’s me in that boat. You never can truly relate to something until it happens to you. I feel for all those people who have lost their mothers, because now I am part of that group. There are many different flavors of it… how old, from what, how close were you… yada, yada, yada. At the end of the day though, it’s all the same. That person that carried you around for 9 months, bringing you into this world, is gone. It’s reality, the harsh kind that we had to face head on, on Mother’s Day 2024. As the clock struck midnight, I realized I made it through; now what?
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