September 4, 2022: The Hate Files LIV

Why do I let it go so long? 5 months since I’ve made an entry into the original feature of this website all those years ago. All those years ago, one of the earliest “tributes”, was to the hated St. Louis Cardinals. The hate still strongly burns for them all these years later; I don’t think it will ever fizzle out. Other than the Green Bay Packers, I can’t think of a team I hate more. The way this baseball season has played out, was like throwing gasoline on this hate flame. The Cubs choosing to “sit out a year”, while the Cardinals ascend to the top of maybe the shittiest division in baseball; makes me sick. This weekend, seeing the Cardinals sweep us… I could have been a fire breathing dragon with hate. But instead of giving the Cardinals their 2nd file, I chose to focus on one individual.

Raise your hand if you can give two shits about the Albert Pujols retirement tour; my hand is up. F him. Is there anyone else suspicious about his recent renaissance? Come on… if the MLB is drug testing anyone nowadays, Pujols should be front and center. It’s almost like the MLB is helping play this up, like the whole BS Home Run Derby. Honestly, looked like Kyle was taking it easy on Albert… and then the whole miscounting of HRs… very suspicious. Kind of like when David Ross brought in the reliever for Albert’s last AB against the Cubs. “Throw a fastball right down the middle”… Yes, Albert hit a pinch hit 2 run HR… If I wasn’t a responsible adult, I would have broken a window with my fist. Is there any doubt that Albert would have one of these Hate Files all to himself one day, considering he’s one of the biggest Cubs killers of all time???

I like to refer to him as “Poo-Holes”; that makes me smile, kind of like those t-shirts sold outside Wrigley back in the day, that may not have been exactly politically correct… “Pujols mows my lawn” or something like that. I’ve never liked Pujols. Yeah, yeah, he’s a Hall of Famer, unlike Yadier Molina, but that doesn’t mean I have to praise him, like the Cubs did in their ceremony at Wrigley; what a total bunch of horseshit. If you feel the need to do something, then do something small, private… don’t kiss our hated rivals ass in our face… I would have been booing my ass off if I was there. What an absolute joke move in an absolute joke season by the Cubbies.

I like the way all the Cardinals’ fans are back to worshipping him… what a bunch of losers. Yes, he had his best years there, and yes, he was on 2 World Series winning teams, and then… he left your asses. How many World Series titles have the Cardinals won since he left? Zero… one LESS than the Cubs. As a Cub fan, I guess it’s “thanks for leaving Albert”, but as a Cardinal fan (first of all, I couldn’t even bear the thought), let’s kiss his ass like he never left. And about those World Series, surely Albert was an MVP for one of them… nope. In 3 World Series appearances, Poo-Holes batted a cool .255… less than his weight. So much for coming up big in the clutch. Thank God for David Eckstein and David Freese huh? Without them, Albert may have been 0-3 on the big stage. Not impressed… just like how anyone should feel about his Angels’ years. He batted about 70 points lower on the West Coast; only twice eclipsing 30 home runs in a season, as he just got fatter, slower, and balder. Hate to see it, let me tell you…

He’s a great guy though, right? Well, if great equals filing for divorce from your wife of 22 years as she battles a brain tumor, then sure… Low blow? Who cares… He’s not fooling me, that big ass jerk who obviously has been roiding up these past few weeks. The MLB may look the other way, with St. Louis writing Manfred checks to stay out of the locker room, but not me… nope, not me.

So as we wrap this up, Albert moves forward on his pace for 700 career home runs; let me be the first to say I hope he finishes with exactly… 699. That would warm my heart; that would be a highlight in this crappy season. First seeing Poo-Holes come up short, then seeing the fraud Cardinals get their asses absolutely handed to them in the playoffs. Can’t wait for his retirement tour and career come to an end; he had a good run, and then got paid a boatload of money… I’m sure the Angels would agree, he wasn’t worth it. And I’m sure the Cardinal fans will still lick his ass, taking turns injecting his buttocks with the newest PED to help him in these last days of a dare I say, overrated career. Yeah, it’s a Hate File, so F it… and F Albert Pujols. I hope he enjoys my retirement gift… the highest honor one can achieve here on this website. You’re welcome Poo-Holes… you’re welcome.